respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
