He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
