she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize