i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
