mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize