Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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