The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
