why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
