Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
