We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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