Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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