Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
