i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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