Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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