my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
