You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
