Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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