Why does Corona taste like a burp?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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