i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
