I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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