"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
