We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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