My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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