Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
