New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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