I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
