Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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