I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Randomize