Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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