Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
