How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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