I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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