i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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