apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
