My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
