so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
