The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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