it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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