Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize