So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
