My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Damn victory sex feels great
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
