actually, I'm a sock model
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize