the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
