Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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