That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
