i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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