i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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