I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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