someone threw a dead crab at me
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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