woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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