I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
