Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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