My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
