Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
