he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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