My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
