I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You have to summon your inner elephant
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
