i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
