So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
