There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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