I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
