found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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