Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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