There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
