My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
