loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The uberlube is also flammable
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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