the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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