I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize