Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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