Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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