I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
