Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
