You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
